5 Things I Learned From The Office Bitch

By: Punk Chopsticks on 12:56 AM

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1. Bring your Bitch Filter to work

...And this is where we put the bullshit in

It's a good thing (for The Bitch, not me) that before I started my internship here at The Star, I spent two years being a glorified janitor in Starbucks.

Serving angry, caffeine-deprived customers their daily fix, I learned two things:

1. That most often when you think someone is angry, they’re actually hungry.
2. How to speak/recognize/understand the fine language of Bitch.

And it is due to my keen understanding of Bitch, that I managed to interpret the real meaning of some of The Bitch’s finer sentences.

 i.e.:

 “I’d tell you where I live but I don’t want the intern to come stalking me” 

Actual translation: You really shouldn’t ask personal information of people you’ve just met no matter how friendly they seem.

 “Look, the other journalists don’t have someone shadowing them so could you like, you know, like, don’t make a fool of yourself.” 

 Actual translation: It’s your first time on the field so unless you want to be judged, it’s best to stay silent and observe from the side-lines.

 “[In the presence of national badminton players] You’re not doing anything now so you can go already, or else you’re going to be a nuisance”

Actual translation: I’m not a prime example of a human being and sometimes the things I say are going to be thoughtless cow turd, pig droppings. Treat accordingly.

Bringing your Bitch Filter to work means that you can take even the most poorly delivered advice in stride because as cow-turd-crusted they may be, it’s still advice and as a beginner, advice is invaluable.

 2. Sometimes, you’re either a Bitch, or you’re a Sam

 That third example was experienced not by me, but Sam, a fellow intern who arrived a week after I did and who had his first assignment with The Bitch.

He was told that line (and a few choice others) before being informed that they (The Bitch and the players) were headed to the canteen (and that he could now excuse himself).

Instead, twenty minutes later, on his Facebook feed pops up a picture of her with the players at a separate, schmoozy coffee joint with the caption “Chilling at [coffee joint] with Malaysian Open winners. No big deal.”

The world loves people like The Bitch, we celebrate people like The Bitch, because all we see are people like The Bitch. Nobody sees Sams; Sams [or replace with relevant name] are invisible to the public eye and to the people who matter. Maybe sometimes Sams become Bitches, but they don’t get there without hard work. Which brings me to…

 3. Keeping your head down and doing your job is how things get done

All it takes is a cursory glance at America’s Next Top Model to know that their entire franchise is based off of people like The Bitch. Her offhand, inflammatory remarks are what generate ratings and revenue.

Now imagine what would happen to the entire TV show if everyone on ANTM spent their days on a strict routine of diet, exercise, go sees, casting calls and adequate sleep.

No one would watch that, the show would get canned, everyone can go home and actually have lives now. Which is why reality TV shows - in an ironic twist of words - make really bad benchmarks for real life.

In Real Life, you don’t succeed by shouting at people like The Bitch, or trying to argue with them/call them out at their bullshit/rolling your eyes till they see just how uncompromising they’ve been.

As much as it sucks to admit it, in most cases, people like The Bitch got where they are through a combination of wits, luck and hard work. And the only way if you’re ever going to surpass them is through even more wits, luck and hard work. Bitchiness is optional and generally disliked.