How to take the scientifically best dating profile picture

By: Punk Chopsticks on 9:04 AM

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Good news for lazy daters like myself, Dating website Zoosk has taken all the guesswork out of your dating display picture in their latest study, which involved 4000 anonymous participants.

Here, I've compiled all the statistical findings and my own personal advice in relation to them.

 Because science bitch.

Step 1: Women need to get back in the kitchen

• The Zoosk study finds women get 60% more attention if photo is taken indoors

There are a few things which can be found indoors that appeal to our manly x-chromosomed human counterparts. One of them is the bedroom, the other, the kitchen. Both should not be more than 10 meters away from a potential mate. Don'ts:

Being outdoors means a higher chance of escaping. This terrifies men.

  Do's:

A specimen in it's natural habitat

Step 2: Men need to show their foraging and hunting abilities

• Men get 19% more attention if theirs is taken outside

Screw gay stuff like baking and accounting. REAL men bring home the bacon. Bloody. Plus points if he is seen carrying a spear or building a fire - these display his ability to provide for the clan.
  Don'ts:

Look at that rack of perfectly risen cupcakes. What a wuss. 

Do's:

#REALman #NoHomo #Wow #SoStrong

Step 3: Don't be fat*

• Full-body photos boost both sexes success by 203%

According to the Zoosk survey, having full body pictures helped boost the users' popularity by 203 percent. Of course, that only counts if you're hot to begin with. *Can also be read: Don't be ugly
  Don'ts:

Ugh whut no ugh

 
  Do's:

Awwwww yisssssss

Step 4: Guys can't know that they're hot

• Men get 8% fewer messages if they put up selfies

Honey, the whole Strong and Silent thing only works if we're not imagining you checking the mirror every five minutes to make sure that your "hair is okay". "But Clarissa!" I hear you cry out "How fair is it that we're expected to strive for looks yet pay no attention to them?" You whine self-righteously. Ha. Sucks doesn't it? Don'ts:

Ugh OMG he's so vain. What a jerk.

 
Do's:

 

Our findings:

What do all these findings mean for mankind? What do they mean for womenkind??

Our researchers are still working on the survey's intricate details but it's safe to say that either

 1. The world is a sucky place

 2. The internet is a sucky place, or

 3. Call me a traditionalist...but if you want a specific type of partner, search accordingly. Need a quick one night stand? Hit the bar. Fancy men of technology? Head to the nearest apple store. Want a girl who reads? Walk down to Borders.

 Anyone can say they do a whole bunch of things online but the ones who actually do, are actually doing them.